diary page
hi, this is my diary page! i also put like random stuff i write here and different things. it is sorted from newest to oldest, so you will see the most recent one first. i am making this page to try and practice expressing myself more and having more ideas.
12/28/23
trying my best for today, it is my birthday, and i am going to see my partner in the hospital, hoping today is the day he will get discharged. I woke up to a phone call 20 minutes after the appointment and realized i overslept and my alarms didnt go off. We rescheduled for in about an hour but my anxiety about the uncertainity of if he will be getting out today to be with me is really making me so nervous. I feel very guilty about over sleeping, but i didnt even really over sleep, i fell asleep at 9 am trying to wake up at 11, thinking i could get a small nap. I dont know why i did that. im just hoping everything goes well, and if it doesnt i will keep trying but my physical symptoms are maknig it really hard for me today and i feel very stressed
12/5/23
hi. Trying to make doctor appointment today and tomorrow
little scared of something, thinking its jsut existing, i feel anxious when i wake up and feel like gagging always, paranoid of everyone and feel disconnected, I had a dream the other night and dont remember. but i rememebr waking up feeling awful. But I dont remember. But i remember efeling like something hapened but i dont know what its such a hard fee.ling todescribe. It felt like soemthing bad happened. I want to make art and things but i am scard but dont kniow of what. I feel weird when im on the internet now. Or using a computer. I dont know what to do and dont feel happy with anything i see anymore. It may just be me but i dont know. 12/4/2023 i want to make more story but its hard to organize my thoughts and make everything and choose a medium but i want to tell about everything i need to say but i have a hard time i dont think anyone is waiting but ifeel guilty myself because i want to do it so bad and think about it everyday its so hard to connect with people i have been able to connect with before I ts not that i dont care about my friends or anyone I just have a hard time feeling interest in things and Finding things to say but i care about people aroudn me. I feel abd because im not easy to talk to but Its hard communicate tHat I want to hear people tell me things and I will always listen. If anyone i know read this and i seem like i dont talk a lot im sorry it seem s to just get harder as it goes on for me in terms o f talking
hi Ive been feeling like ive been living in a dream for the past year, and not in a good way, ive been feeling piloted by something else i guess and tuning out always, feel very tired but i am still me and my body is me but i dont feel present anymore its nov 6th 2023 new page for the XO lulu story whatever its called soon
hi its october 31st 2023 happy halloween. I hope everyone is having a good halloween, like out there in the world. holidays are hard for me so i hope everyone like all the kids of the world and stuff have a good halloween. ive been feeling really tired today and not sure what to do, feeling lonely.
i dont know what date this is from but at some point as of this month which is july of 2023 i decided i wanted to define reality when i was at work one day when i was cutting a giant slab of ground up turkey in half and wrapping it into saran wrap.
it was never finished! i ended up writing something on the next page but i didnt have much else to say anyways i dont think. i had some other things i wanted to define and i dont really remember what those are. i think they were what it is to be "alive" for real, as in what things are able to think and feel. i dont have much else to say on it besides that the things that are able to be I or I am or even those that cannot begin the thought are still included, and i feel humans create a wall between themselves and those who cannot. plants are not able to percieve that they are alive but they are still able to communicate, as an example. i think there is a great disconnect between lives, and how we should be able to use our ability of being to say we are to protect those who cannot say they are. i do not think any plant or animal should have the suffering of needing to have emotions or conflicts that they have to deal with in life. and the reason i feel this way is because it is incredibly awful to be a human being. i do not view having a mind that is able to generate thoughts or being able to speak as a gift. i would rather be able to take those things away at times. with the things i have been given its possible to love in different ways though
short diary page from march 22nd when i did shrooms
its january 1st! happy new year, i deleted all my previous entries because they sucked. i realized they didnt actually have anything to say and that bothered me.