diary page

hi, this is my diary page! i also put like random stuff i write here and different things. it is sorted from newest to oldest, so you will see the most recent one first. i am making this page to try and practice expressing myself more and having more ideas.

I want to go about a day without feeling like everything is unreal, I feel like ive been waiting for something lately or like im going to lose something.
hi there, its been a solid minute since ive used this, even though i would like to use it a lot more. I would like to update this from my phone somehow, but im not really sure how i would go about doing that since the formatting of neocities on my phone is difficult for me to navigate... regardless, things are going OK, i am moving soon, and going to start college classes, I am going to have to do them all online but that wont be too bad. I am going to try and go into art, I'm not the best at school but im passionate about art so i have confidence in myself. my partner found a kitten, and I love the kitten so much, her name is Lolly like the cat from animal crossing, because they have a similar face. She sleeps next to my legs at night and follows me around the apartment. she cheers me up when im not feeling too well, and i feel its helped with a lot of trauma i face with kittens (that sounds ridiculous without context but i promise you it is a valid reason, haha) as i have been able to hang out with a kitten and know its okay.
I dont remember when, but i started taking medication for my mental health, and ive been feeling a little more clear headed, Ive been taking Wellbutrin, which they said is supposed to help with my focus which it defiantely does, but i also feel like i would like to do a whole lot more than im capable of doing at once, then getting overwhelmed again. But when i really want to work on something, i focus on it really hard. I'm hoping i can use this to my advantage. I have been better with learning, trying to realize that its okay if i mess up, because its ok if other people mess up too. People are so smart, and i believe that is our reason for ourselves, is to learn. I have been learning japanese and wanna branch out to more stuff if i can but i am worried to lose focus and do too much stuff. I lost my insurance so im not certain when im going to get a medicine change, but for now Wellbutrin and Lexapro are working decently together in order to get me at least tolerating living daily. I am still struggling with the world, I find it really hard to go one day without being dissapointed with a fact about the world, im understanding that its supposed to be normal everything i am seeing, but i feel really depressed about it and my mood switches and i feel like crying. the other day we drove by a patch of trees that i saw everyday next to some Mobil gas station, and one day i noticed they were all gone and replaced with piles of dirt, flattened land, and a bunch of copy paste houses. I dont know why, but at that moment i could not stop myself from crying, even though i knew how ridiculous it is that i was crying. I started thinking about how this is normal, and that makes me even sadder. I am someone who really cherishes the Earth and Nature, and living in a huge city for the past couple of years has really grinded me down. Its really complicated, because its all feelings, right? there is no correct feelings towards anything, other than what others feel, and then deem what you feel as acceptable, which is stil a feeling, and feelings are non factual, so "is it pointless? am i worrying over nothing?" is something that i think of a lot, but then i am worrying about if worrying is correct? so then i dont even know. Maybe i should be allowed to cry, because my body has the function, and my brain told me so, is all i can reasonably think. I think i overthink it all.
anyways, i am still working on my story stuff, I finally actually drew the design for Eden's old friend from before the angels came to Pearlsparrow, and hoping to join a friend's VN cup they are hosting with some other people on the topic of mental health. Eden is a very complicated person, and not really the nicest. She used to be at least sane, though. So that is what i will be detailing in the VN if i dont get lazy! Her friends name is Tamala. She is very important to the whole story, connecting to the angels, and the ADF(angel defense force) itself, which is two opposing sides. she definately has her roots in the town, and left a deep impression on the people living there. also i tried cherry juice today and really liked it. have a good day
trying my best for today, it is my birthday, and i am going to see my partner in the hospital, hoping today is the day he will get discharged. I woke up to a phone call 20 minutes after the appointment and realized i overslept and my alarms didnt go off. We rescheduled for in about an hour but my anxiety about the uncertainity of if he will be getting out today to be with me is really making me so nervous. I feel very guilty about over sleeping, but i didnt even really over sleep, i fell asleep at 9 am trying to wake up at 11, thinking i could get a small nap. I dont know why i did that. im just hoping everything goes well, and if it doesnt i will keep trying but my physical symptoms are maknig it really hard for me today and i feel very stressed 12/5/23 hi. Trying to make doctor appointment today and tomorrow
little scared of something, thinking its jsut existing, i feel anxious when i wake up and feel like gagging always, paranoid of everyone and feel disconnected, I had a dream the other night and dont remember. but i rememebr waking up feeling awful. But I dont remember. But i remember efeling like something hapened but i dont know what its such a hard fee.ling todescribe. It felt like soemthing bad happened. I want to make art and things but i am scard but dont kniow of what. I feel weird when im on the internet now. Or using a computer. I dont know what to do and dont feel happy with anything i see anymore. It may just be me but i dont know. 12/4/2023 i want to make more story but its hard to organize my thoughts and make everything and choose a medium but i want to tell about everything i need to say but i have a hard time i dont think anyone is waiting but ifeel guilty myself because i want to do it so bad and think about it everyday its so hard to connect with people i have been able to connect with before I ts not that i dont care about my friends or anyone I just have a hard time feeling interest in things and Finding things to say but i care about people aroudn me. I feel abd because im not easy to talk to but Its hard communicate tHat I want to hear people tell me things and I will always listen. If anyone i know read this and i seem like i dont talk a lot im sorry it seem s to just get harder as it goes on for me in terms o f talking
hi Ive been feeling like ive been living in a dream for the past year, and not in a good way, ive been feeling piloted by something else i guess and tuning out always, feel very tired but i am still me and my body is me but i dont feel present anymore its nov 6th 2023 new page for the XO lulu story whatever its called soon
hi its october 31st 2023 happy halloween. I hope everyone is having a good halloween, like out there in the world. holidays are hard for me so i hope everyone like all the kids of the world and stuff have a good halloween. ive been feeling really tired today and not sure what to do, feeling lonely.
i dont know what date this is from but at some point as of this month which is july of 2023 i decided i wanted to define reality when i was at work one day when i was cutting a giant slab of ground up turkey in half and wrapping it into saran wrap.

it was never finished! i ended up writing something on the next page but i didnt have much else to say anyways i dont think. i had some other things i wanted to define and i dont really remember what those are. i think they were what it is to be "alive" for real, as in what things are able to think and feel. i dont have much else to say on it besides that the things that are able to be I or I am or even those that cannot begin the thought are still included, and i feel humans create a wall between themselves and those who cannot. plants are not able to percieve that they are alive but they are still able to communicate, as an example. i think there is a great disconnect between lives, and how we should be able to use our ability of being to say we are to protect those who cannot say they are. i do not think any plant or animal should have the suffering of needing to have emotions or conflicts that they have to deal with in life. and the reason i feel this way is because it is incredibly awful to be a human being. i do not view having a mind that is able to generate thoughts or being able to speak as a gift. i would rather be able to take those things away at times. with the things i have been given its possible to love in different ways though
short diary page from march 22nd when i did shrooms

its january 1st! happy new year, i deleted all my previous entries because they sucked. i realized they didnt actually have anything to say and that bothered me.